A Bump in the Road
Week 6 of The Artist's Way was no easy feat. Honestly, I did not do my due diligence to the week and have very little to write. I do not have the healthiest relationship with money and finances. My answers to the writing prompts under the "Money Madness" section continue to be shocking to myself. I go from writing how I would have more money if I only cared to have more money to then spiraling out all the ways I do not like money and how we are tied to it. I wrote how I view money not only as safety but as the ability to change job focuses or leave my current life. I also wrote that if I were to gather a lot of money, I would lose myself and my scruples. I called money "tainted" and accused it of causing hurt feelings. I related being broke to failure and wrote that if only I weren't so cheap with myself, I would buy myself the home furniture I need for storage and comfort. I truly bounced all over the place with these prompts and I think it was a precursor of my not doing well with this week's tasks.
I was looking forward to the natural abundance tasks of collecting rocks and foliage while I was walking. However, this week coincided with a week I began a new caregiving job in a family's home. It was the first time I was watching a toddler and infant as well as trying to manage the homeschooling of an older student. I was very disheartened by this position and had a hard time recognizing myself within the confines of this new job. I often returned home frazzled, smelling like baby spit, and exhausted. Next to my notes for tasks one and two I simply wrote "uncompleted due to exhaustion and it being cold." I did manage to do some clearing out during this week. I did not focus on clothes but did get rid of old games, videos, and books that were cluttering my space. I also consigned my twin bed from childhood that was forced into my home when I moved. It was a piece of furniture I did not want but had held onto with a sense of obligation. I was relieved to see it go and felt it was another step towards making my loft the artistic space I crave. The other tasks were done, but haphazardly. I did write my five cards to friends who I would like to thank or have more connection with but never mailed them. As I thought about the emotional and mental state I was in, I felt it inappropriate to send the cards and spread that energy to my loved ones. When I focused on prosperity for task ten, I thought how great my new hourly wage was at this job I wasn't enjoying. This cemented in my brain that I should stick this job out to make more money. This line of thinking led to me being miserable for two months and I regret trying to make the best of it. The tasks were hard and I wrote during my check-in "I couldn't relate or be excited about this week's tasks. They were not done to the fullness I could have accomplished". It was an odd weak where I was not only struggling with my identity as an artist, but as a person.
I still completed my seven days of Morning Pages and I found a lot of solace in doing them. They were helpful in showing my true feelings on nannying, childcare, and being a caregiver in general. I did not create anything for myself this week. I chose to lose myself in two comedy specials as my Artist Date and allow myself the opportunity to laugh. I spent this week avoiding The Artist's Way and the work ahead. I was too focused on how overwhelmed I felt and how I was losing my grip on my old professional identity. This week was spent in grief over attributes lost in myself due to the COVID-19 pandemic. This loss of connection to The Artist's Way didn't make it past Week 6 and that has a strong connection to the negativity I feel towards money. I often wonder if when my life evens out financially, I could revisit Week 6 and give it another go. I may have different answers to the prompts and a newfound interest in the tasks.