Natalie and Dina continue to reconsider the fact they have relationships with men. This episode they explore what they’re feeling they need out of any current or future relationships. Natalie knows she’s emotionally available but still struggles to find people on her level of commitment. Dina is recently single and knows she has some personal growth to do. Help them build and grow the landscape of their next relationship by listening and sending those positive vibes their way!
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Unknown 1 - 00:22
All right, hi everybody, this is another episode of to all the men I've tolerated before with your hosts, Natalie Katona.
And Dina Alkhatib this is episode 4 if you are newly joining us to all the men I've tolerated before is a podcast where Dina and I write thank you letters.
They're definitely not love letters, but they are thank you letters to men that we have encountered in the past.
Or sometimes the present depending on your timeline, and you know we're just walking through.
What they meant to us in the moment?
What they mean to us now what they taught us, what we unlearned from them, and how we became these two beautiful strong women on this journey, even though we choose to have relationships with men.
Which we continue to reconsider.
Unknown 1 - 01:27
On a very regular basis, I feel on a daily hourly second by second really, which I think wait, hold on because I saw Tik T.O.K and this is sort of relevant.
I saw a tick tock.
Where this woman had her first sexual experience with another woman, OK, and she said like that when she was with a man she always had to like, close her eyes and like concentrate really hard to have an orgasm.
But with the woman she did it and I was like everybody in the conference was like, oh ****.
Do I because I have to do that?
I do that all the time when I'm with a guy I'm like alright, hold on if I want to reach the climax I got I like really focus here like close my eyes and just like will it to happen.
Unknown 1 - 02:21
Basically I think I've only climaxed with one guy.
He wasn't even a guy who like mattered to me.
Oh, I know no.
Ohh it's just that it's so much it's so much easier when I do it myself.
That's the story of my life of my Capricorn existence.
Friends, ohh I've named our fans.
Unknown 1 - 02:53
Oh, you named our fans.
Wait, look at you assuming we're going to have fans.
First of all, I'm manifesting them if you name them, they will come.
They will come.
I my favorite murder has the murder arenas, self helpless, has the hipsters.
How come has the companions spelled CUMPANION as it's my favorite one and I am all of those I'm a murderino companion.
Helps her, but I've decided that our fans should be called the tolerate ears.
Unknown 1 - 03:34
Isn't it powerful?
It's like it's kind of late Terminators, hey?
So tolerator, let me paint you a portrait.
I have a cat against my better judgment.
Her name is Penelope and she is currently full on city on my paint by number.
Unknown 1 - 04:01
What if I had painted on that today look at her?
She doesn't even care.
Yeah, I see she does not care.
She's like high anti data.
Hi, I call her monopoly.
Because my favorite thing is to go up to Naeyc Campanelli and be like high monopoly.
Are you the worst board game ever?
Unknown 1 - 04:25
Yes, you are.
You're the worst board game.
I call her penners and then I named my island on Animal Crossing Penner Island and I'm like that just looks like I'm trying to make a penis pun and I was just trying to dedicate my ******* island to my cat.
I think that's sweet.
It's adorable, but I take a picture of this for the tolerator Yeah, they definitely need to see the monopoly.
With all my laundry hanging up in the background, it's fine.
Unknown 1 - 04:58
It's 2020. It's 20 alright.
Are we talking about today?
Great segue, so as of right now, we've talked about first crushes, first kisses.
We've got really gross and talked about our virginities and how we lost them.
And today we're going to dedicate the podcast to talking about.
Just we're doing a self check in on where we're at today when it comes to dating.
Unknown 1 - 05:32
How are we feeling about it?
I'm going to talk a little bit, but not too much about my former relationship because next week we are going to talk about.
Dating in the time of COVID, the title of my next romance novel.
So we're just going to talk about where we're at.
I don't know about you, Dana, but it's bleak.
Unknown 1 - 06:02
It's not looking good right now.
I'm being honest with you.
It's really not looking good and I'm sure we'll have some laughs.
But if you're listening to this episode in, you're like damn.
They used to be more chipper.
Yeah we did.
You're right, you're not wrong.
Unknown 1 - 06:23
And then 2020 happened.
It really did.
It put it to Amper and everything so.
Where we're at now.
Where is Natalie at?
Where are you at OK?
Unknown 1 - 06:41
First off, I would like to talk about my last relationship because I've been reflecting on it a lot because I've been watching a lot of married at first sight.
And that's that we what's married at first sight.
OK, so there are nine seasons of married at first sight on Hulu, and I've watched them all and it is this TV show.
It's a reality TV show.
Basically a team of experts comes to your town.
They have like.
Of Pastor marriage counselor.
Unknown 1 - 07:21
They have like a therapist.
They have a woman who's specialty is like sex therapy.
She's like a sex sex therapist and they come to your city and hundreds of people come into a Convention Center or whatever.
You have to take like the SAT.
You have to take like this giant standardized test.
Then they then they pair people down and they do like 50 interviews.
And then they pick four women and four men, and they're and you have to.
Unknown 1 - 07:54
If you're a woman, you're it's very heteronormative.
It's on lifetime, and if you're a. If you're a man, you have to marry a woman, but you don't meet like the experts just tell you.
Like they show up to your job or your house and they're like, hey, you're engaged and then they you have to tell your parents and like your friends like hey in two weeks I'm getting married and they're like I'm confused.
You weren't dating anyone.
This sounds like the worst idea, OK, but sometimes usually one out of four couples is successful.
Sometimes it's 2. But without fail.
Unknown 1 - 08:37
And what has made me reflect on my previous relationship is you go on a honeymoon after your wedding so you like get to the altar.
You meet this stranger.
You have a wedding.
You have a reception, they make.
You have a brunch with your families and then you go to a second location and you have this like honeymoon.
With a stranger, and that's when it gets dicey.
And that's when one of these women realizes that she married the man who isn't actually ready for it.
Unknown 1 - 09:16
And he's like cold and like she's always trying to get to know him.
And he's like why are you asking me questions and she's like maybe we should bone and he's like why would I want to have sex with you?
And for an entire season you have to watch this woman be in an 8 week marriage with a man who's just not into it and she's so lonely and that's, I know.
And that's how it ties into my previous relationship.
My last relationship I was so lonely.
I would like sit on this on the couch with this guy.
We would have weekly dinners and it would just be like I would never get any feedback that he was actually like into what we were doing and then like getting to know him was really hard anytime because I love Ice Breakers like I have Ice Breakers for days.
Unknown 1 - 10:21
But like anytime I would share an authentic piece of myself with him and then like ask him about it.
I'd always get like I don't remember or like that's something that's not important to me.
Or why are you asking?
That feels like a he's not, he's just not that into you situation or into it situation, right?
And we will go into it more in depth next week like it is basically my entire episode for next week, but basically it was two months of me knowing he wasn't into me but also being in quarantine mode where I'm like I can't deal with the fact that you're not into me like here it is.
Here I am.
Take it or leave it right so.
Unknown 1 - 11:14
My biggest take away?
From that last relationship and just being so lonely and watching these women.
On married at first sight just be like so lonely and just like try so hard.
To still be present in this relationship that they found themselves in.
I like what makes me the saddest is that like?
That last guy.
Got to date the most authentic and best version of me.
Unknown 1 - 11:53
I'm like 4 years into my counseling and working on like being in recovery for a lot of my codependency behaviors.
I'm also like year two or three in of my spiritual journey where I've really like connected with meditation and yoga and rituals.
Did you do the midnight ritual last night?
Did you write your seven straight forgot?
I straight for God and as soon as you started saying the midnight I was like ohh no God one one of my banishments last night was like into this next year.
I will no I banish this idea of I will just stick to a relationship to prove myself that I can do it even though he's not fulfilling me mentally, emotionally.
Physically like it has to be all three at this point, right?
Unknown 1 - 12:57
It has to be all three and I also like manifested last night as I was calling upon the Pleiades sisters, I did this whole ceremony.
Penelope was there.
She's a really great familiar.
Love this mood.
This atmosphere that you built that's great.
I didn't light a candle.
Usually I light a candle but like it was midnight and I was just like oh, we're just gonna do this from bed instead of my meditation cushion.
Unknown 1 - 13:29
But I also manifested I was like.
This year I'm going to have the greatest romance of my life to date because I really feel like at this point that's what I'm missing from my relationships.
It's not like a relationship out of necessity or sadness, or like not being happy about where I'm at currently.
It is literally like I've set myself up.
For relationship with it all with romance with mental stimulation with great sex and like I'm ready for a relationship with a man who is an adult who has worked on themselves.
I want a recommendation letter from your therapist.
Unknown 1 - 14:25
Woo woo woo like I literally want your therapist to sit down and be all like This is why I OK him to enter a relationship with someone because.
A lot of my partners, all of my partners, just carry into the relationship with me and I use the word partner.
I even say man, I wasn't like I'm ready for the best romance I've ever had in my life with a man.
No, it's 2020. We're open to all all of is equal.
I use the term partner.
You're not my boyfriend.
We're not in fifth grade.
Unknown 1 - 15:10
Gender has become this huge spectrum.
I've read a guide to gender like I'm not labeling things anymore.
You are a partner.
All of my partners enter in my relationships with like all of this hurt and like.
Things that I am, I feel prepared to work through with you because I've done the work.
But if you're starting from a baseline of just ignoring the problem.
Unknown 1 - 15:45
Or distracting from the problem and you haven't faced that yourself.
Then everything I'm bringing to the table, all of my self awareness, all of my reflecting and refocusing all of my leg.
Oh my gosh, she takes 20 minutes a day to just sit and quietness and like manifest and meditate what she wants out of her life because she knows what she wants out of her life.
It puts my partners on like the defense like it.
Just hackles them up and right.
I'm tired of having a resentment reaction because I'm working on being healthy.
I won't even say that I am healthy.
Unknown 1 - 16:29
I'm just on the journey to be healthy, right?
And that's what matters honestly.
Is that the person is taking the time to work on themselves?
He knows the problem trying to fix the problem whether it be through on your own or through therapy or whatever it is, but if they're not trying for themselves then you're not.
You're not equals.
At that point, you're not on the same standing or you know, on the same page.
I had a girlfriend.
Unknown 1 - 17:02
I had one of my friends give me really great clarity of what I thought.
My biggest take away from my relationships was I used to think that my biggest take away was everyone.
Is on different parts of their path or journey and I can walk with every I can walk my journey and still be OK where you are and she went sis and her auntie told her when she was like having frustrations with dating.
She was like look this is what it is.
You're on your path.
The optimal, like the best case scenario, is there you're walking parallel pass.
They're right next to you.
Unknown 1 - 17:49
You're holding hands, they can be a step ahead of you.
A step ahead of you isn't that much of a gap.
Or they can be a step behind you, because again, not that much of a gap.
That's kind of the circle we can walk in.
It can't be well.
They're a mile behind me and I'm trying to make my recovery my journey.
My emotional and mental safety mesh with that right I that is so I think that's so true because I, I think in the end you'll see whenever I start talking about where I'm at is.
Unknown 1 - 18:35
Be with someone who.
Isn't even trying to to move forward at all?
And if you're so far behind.
I don't have the time to to sit there and hold your hand through it to, you know you have to do that on your own.
It's personal growth.
It's personal recovery and you take ownership of your yourself and your health and your happiness.
Unknown 1 - 19:05
And when people don't do that.
It they're just pulling you down and I feel like they're not walking with you like you said next to you, they're they're just either standing still not, maybe not even walking at all.
They're not even, you know, doing anything so they're saying.
That's detrimental, I think, to a relationship and you're not in a wagon.
I'm not pulling you along.
Umm, no, no, you're not.
Unknown 1 - 19:34
You're not coasty.
Do you know that I don't?
I don't even have like.
Sex dreams anymore.
Do you know what I dream about when I'm like having what would be I dream about cuddling like that's how much I create?
Unknown 1 - 19:55
I know that's how you come over and cuddle you girl I'm come cuddle you like if you need a cuddle I'll come over.
Maybe when we pick our Disney Channel original movie for non Thanksgiving on Nat and Dina Single Ladies day.
Y'all weren't celebrating Thanksgiving, no?
Oh yeah, no we're not.
First of all, Ohio is like wrecked with COVID right now like it's actually really bad.
So a lot of people aren't doing Thanksgiving right?
And my sister and my mother are school teachers and my sisters school in Indiana is in the red, so she's not even teaching in person.
Unknown 1 - 20:38
And my mom's school is probably heading that way in Illinois.
So like both of my family.
Units were like please do not come and visit except for my father who can't accept reality.
He's like why aren't you coming?
And I'm like the world is on fire.
It's literally a danger to see you.
I'm like doing a tick tock dance trying to explain it to him.
Unknown 1 - 21:01
Eating is not that you know, as important as being safe so everybody can just chill.
Do you know what a man that I tolerate texted me yesterday?
Because he's also.
Having the same frustrations with his family where like his sister caved and decided that she would go to their parents house with Thanksgiving and now he has to be the sibling.
That's like no.
He told me he was like.
Unknown 1 - 21:29
If we all actually loved and cared about one another, we would see one another on days where we weren't assigned to see one another who.
OK oh **** **** ****** called out called.
I mean it's true though it's so true.
We actually cared about one another.
We wouldn't make it homework to see one another.
Tim, I feel called out actually.
Unknown 1 - 22:08
OK OK, OK alright so you're ready for something yeah you're ready do you think 2021 is the year for you?
So here's another block for me when it comes to the dating and the romance thing number one I've been frustrated with online dating since I've started it.
I hate swipe culture.
I hate dating a guy, but never knowing where we stand because like.
Because like he could be shopping for other partners, maybe I'm shopping for other partners because I'm anxious and I don't know like no one ever wants to label anything or like actually say like.
This is what we're doing right?
Unknown 1 - 22:56
And then if you do because you're the emotionally mature adult, they're like what are you doing like we were just like straight vibin and so.
At this point I want more emotional intimacy than physical intimacy, but there's also a cloud hanging over my head because and I don't think we've gone into this before, but I am currently unemployed.
Like I am a former theater worker, tolerate ears, a little look into my past, and as we know, theater ain't thriving during a pandemic.
And please don't get it twisted.
I'm not an actress, but my friend is right.
You've all heard me saying clearly I was the understudy for Alphabet.
No, I was a an admin for.
Unknown 1 - 23:55
Theater association in Dayton and.
I ran a series of shows for them.
I was an admin.
I did a lot of office work.
I don't want to get into it because I'm still in the grieving process because what ended up happening with this job is like I was a teacher for six years and around year three I realized I hated it.
Or I guess I hated like the environments that were offered to me to teach it.
And when I got the theater job like I was passionate, I got to do a lot of things that related to my hobbies.
Unknown 1 - 24:35
I got to meet a lot of beautiful people.
If you were one of those beautiful people who came to Dayton on a Broadway tour and you worked with me, my department, and your listening like, please know that I love and support you.
And I hope that you're doing OK too, because if it's rough for me, I can't imagine how rough it is for you.
But with the unemployment comes this like second hand shame.
Where it's like, how are you like?
It's hard enough talking about my unemployment with people who already love and are invested in me and.
Are my friends, but then you like go out.
Unknown 1 - 25:19
To an online date or you have a Skype call because it's a pandemic with an online date.
And like they're like.
So what do you do for a living?
And you're like, ah, honey.
And then you have to go into it all again and then that like it's a whole other grieving process.
Again for me where it's like well.
I have the best job in the world and then like a pandemic hit and now my industry is dying around me and I don't know how to feel about it.
Unknown 1 - 25:53
So I just kind of tutor kids.
Offofcare.com and they're like.
Ohh and while I'm not the only person who's going through this like it just feels like.
I have to have all of my **** together to date until like enter a relationship because I'm craving this type of adult relationship so much so to enter into these dating scenarios, unemployed and not knowing what the future holds for me.
And just like.
In the middle of a grieving process or whatever it just.
It doesn't feel like the time.
Unknown 1 - 26:39
So like I'm on pause, but I'm also like, but maybe I'll meet someone, but it's like how do you meet someone?
It's a pandemic.
No one's going anywhere, so it's definitely rough.
I've started swiping again, but we all know how that goes.
You swipe, you talk for a couple of hours on a Monday night and then you never hear from them again.
And then if you listen to our last episode then they tell then they like enter a relationship with Dina and she has to text you about it.
Unknown 1 - 27:14
Ooh, Yikes, so that like that doesn't happen, so that's where I am.
I'm ready, but I also have like this fantasy where like.
When I see myself as a adult in a relationship.
I don't fantasize about weddings anymore or like even like.
We're just like 2 emotionally mature adults.
Who still very much have our own lives and they're parallel lives and they and they do me and they intersect and whatever.
Unknown 1 - 27:52
The marriage thing isn't really my bag anymore.
I don't see myself as a married person.
I don't see myself as a mother like we've talked a lot during my unemployment and as I've taken these tutoring jobs, how like I'll get to a point where I just feel like.
I like I couldn't make this fight every day like dealing with a child one on one and having them be the only person I'm talking to.
And like they're emotional stability, relying on me, my emotional stability, relying on what they do every day.
Like I'm not at a healthy mind space with that.
I have this fantasy that when my sister starts having kids, I'm just like.
Unknown 1 - 28:39
The eccentric aunt.
Oh my gosh, that's like my dream, my dream.
Honestly, I just wanted to be the cool aunt.
Yeah, I just want to take like long.
I wanna take Penelope to like Europe on lawn stays in Europe and then come back and like hint to all my little nieces and nephews about like all of the lovers I took overseas and then be like is my is my aunt talking about ******* and then me and just like hell yeah and me being like hell yeah and I
come in with like my bohemian peasant skirts and like all of my jewels and then eventually like.
All my lady friends who really thought that they wanted like a typical suburban lifestyle, y'all.
Unknown 1 - 29:33
We just wave in and fight.
We got our answer vibin over here to the street here.
I literally I just wanna draw all of my straw women friends who thought man I just really want the suburban lifestyle and I'm like no.
And if we lived in the woods.
If we lived in a world with a cow with a cow, what if we went to this coast?
What if we were literally just let ants from practical magic?
I want to be stalker Channing in practical magic.
Unknown 1 - 30:09
I just want to be an aunt who's making lotions and soaps and handing it to like the horned up women in the town.
And I just want to, like say, really cryptic things to children where they're like.
Is she a witch?
Is she the neighborhood witch and I am I absolutely am.
Please universe if you were listening, make that happen please.
I just make it.
I just want to live in the woods with really great Wi-Fi or next to like a body of water and collect sea glass and make art with the.
Unknown 1 - 30:49
I love them.
Where are you at in 2020?
Alright so hi guys, tell the people what they want.
Yeah so I AM 28 years old.
I got out of a long term serious relationship about a year ago.
Unknown 1 - 31:17
Almost exactly a year ago.
Actually isn't that crazy.
It's been a year.
I was engaged actually to be married to a man, and it was a relationship I I think I was with him because my previous relationships.
We're all pretty incompatible or unhealthy.
And so I think subconsciously I looked for a safe option and so I met a guy that I had been friends with for so long.
Unknown 1 - 31:53
Like so long we had been friends and he was sweet.
Didn't have that many life experiences.
It really was his first relationship.
Even though we were the same age.
And I wasn't happy.
I think I forced myself to stay because he was sweet and everybody you know thought he was nice and all that stuff.
And I was like, well, why am I not happy?
Unknown 1 - 32:22
He's sweet and he's nice.
Why am I not happy so?
I ended the relationship.
Obviously before the wedding happened.
About five months or so before the wedding.
So it was really it was rough.
It was really rough time.
Unknown 1 - 32:42
It was a tough breakup again.
It's been a year and since then I have been living alone.
This is really the first time that I've lived alone.
How do you like living alone?
I kind of love it because.
There's no expectations from anybody, it's my own space, so it's exactly the way that I want it to be.
Unknown 1 - 33:08
And if it's not the way that I want it to be, then it's the it's my fault because it's my space so.
It is hard and COVID because you know not seeing people and living alone is, you know it's it's tough not even being able to go out.
But before COVID I was going out a lot.
I was seeing my friends more and I was.
I felt like I was more myself again and so I this newfound independence has been really refreshing.
And has forced me to.
Rely on myself and self reflect, which is beautiful.
Unknown 1 - 33:48
I think that every woman should be given.
Should take the opportunity to live by herself.
Especially if you're a person who wants to start a family one day, I think you learn so much about yourself what you can handle, what you can't handle, what your actual priorities are.
Because you're living by yourself.
Right, I agree.
I've learned so much about myself and what I want from myself and what I think I will want from somebody.
Unknown 1 - 34:25
You know, my next relationship.
So during this year, basically of singleness, I've had casual some casual relationships, but I'm kind of honestly, I'm kind of over it.
I'm over online dating in general, and I mean we'll talk more about that in the next episode, but I envision my next relationship to be someone that I just.
Comes into my life for whatever reason, that would be a nice way to meet people, because I've never really been in a relationship with someone that I've just like.
Have found and connected with, you know, sort of spontaneously, but you know, probably doing a mutual hobby or something.
I'm sure some kind of.
Thing yeah I have a lot to work on on myself.
Unknown 1 - 35:18
You know, I I. Have a lot of.
Trauma and stuff in from my past and it's.
It's really what I'm trying to focus on is myself and I feel like I'm not going to be emotionally available to people emotionally, emotionally unavailable, emotionally unavailable, whereas Natalie has all the emotions she'd love to give to people, exactly, so I feel like I need.
I need to work on myself more to be able to.
Bring the best version of me to my next relationship because.
I. I think that I just don't.
Unknown 1 - 36:11
Love myself, I don't think I love myself at all, like I'll go on these apps.
You know, Tinder bumble, whatever and I will.
I think I actively look for people that I know that I look for people that I think I deserve like I think I deserve less than what I think I should.
If that makes sense.
That's the trap of my entire existence, where it's like.
Well, you're the one who hung around or like a trick to you like I tricked you to be here because I'm not desirable or lovable or any of it, right?
And I banished that talk for myself too like I was like I banished this idea that I'm not special for what I actually want.
Unknown 1 - 37:04
Right exactly and so every time I go on these dating apps.
I'll see if a person you know not even just a guy.
I'll see a person that is has a good career.
And seemingly, you know, looks on paper again, I don't know this person, but on paper this person looks like they have their life together and I will actively swipe against that person because I think they're better than me.
They're athletic and fit, and therefore they would want nothing to do with me.
I I'm not good enough for them.
They won't think I'm pretty.
Unknown 1 - 37:45
I'm too fat.
I'm too this I'm too this so they won't want me so I will literally lower the bar for myself because I think I don't deserve.
Someone who's put together, I apparently my brain thinks that I deserve someone who's damaged and doesn't work on themselves or isn't doing anything with their lives.
Do you feel?
Like when you were younger.
That you were set up to believe that you deserve the best for yourself and that you should walk every day.
Loving yourself was that no, not at all.
Unknown 1 - 38:22
I was never good enough ever growing up.
It was like you can do better if you're getting these.
Why are you getting bees?
So you need to be getting A's in every class like why are you majoring in this?
You should be a doctor.
You know what I mean?
Unknown 1 - 38:40
Like it was always.
Why aren't you doing better instead of?
Find the way you are based there.
There are so many moments in my childhood and I've written them all down from my memoirs where.
My sister and I talk often about how we were the best kids in the world, but always told that we were the worst like.
None of us like I personally didn't take part in any recreational drug use or drinking, and if I drank it was very low key.
Unknown 1 - 39:16
As a teenager I wasn't having sex.
I wasn't breaking curfew.
I was a kid who was too nervous to sneak into the R rated movie because.
I grew up with that you're never good enough, but because you're never good enough, that means like our family as a unit is reflected on poorly and that just like hangs on your existence that is toxic, toxic the house and then.
Like and then when you grow up with a sister, there's these weird like we've talked about competition against women.
And when you grow up with a sibling that, like I'm very extroverted, my sister is very introverted, like she'd love to have a medical bracelet that says I have social anxiety.
Please find my sister for when we're out shopping small because when you're shopping small like people love to talk to you.
Unknown 1 - 40:15
And I love talking to people.
I love gathering stories, but my sister hates it.
So she was like once a card to hand people.
That's like this is what my sister looks like.
Please go talk to.
That's hilarious and like we've gotten to a point where we can joke about it, but when we were kids, it felt like a like such a comparison.
Yeah, and I remember.
Unknown 1 - 40:41
The Starkman leg.
Memory of like it's the middle of the night.
I'm online checking my college grades and I've finally done it.
I made the stupid Deans list after years of being told that I've never lived up to my potential.
Apparent a man that I've tolerated before came down to like get a midnight glass of iced tea or something and I told him I was like I finally done it.
I made the Dean's list.
Unknown 1 - 41:18
I was met with that with don't tell your sister.
I don't want to deal with like the fallout of you bragging about that.
And The thing is, is like it's such a memory set in stone on my psyche and everyone tells me that I'm lying about it.
But like you, like, your family tells you you're lying that, but like who makes that up?
Yeah, and so.
Unknown 1 - 41:49
And that's a huge thing too is when I was younger.
Any time I had a feeling that feeling was a lie.
It was me being dramatic.
It was me being attention seeking like I learned all of these unhealthy ways.
To deal with whatever love I could get because anytime I asked for need being met, I was a selfish person.
And no one likes selfish people, so you adapt.
So yeah, that's my goal is to self love, yeah.
Unknown 1 - 42:22
Is to really love myself, learn to love myself so that I can go into my next relationship.
Bring my best self and I think as far as what I'm looking for from a partner, there's a few things that have been common.
Denominators of that have really been red flags, and one of the major reasons that these relationships failed was lack of communication.
Have just gone through life and haven't learned how to communicate their feelings and their emotions.
And therefore, when they're presented with a problem in a relationship, they don't speak, or they clam up and they internalize all of their emotions, their negative emotions, even their good emotions.
Unknown 1 - 43:19
Sometimes the happy emotions, and they don't express that, and that is so dangerous to so detrimental to relationships.
And it's so bad for my own mental health to interact with someone that I have to.
Probably, I'm going to live.
With this person, and I can't even speak with them about the way I'm feeling my last relationship, I would get negative feedback.
I don't want to call it yelling because it never even escalated that to that point, but I would get all of this resentment and frustration and passive aggressiveness about things that had happened 2 weeks ago.
I can't that is so I can't deal with that.
Unknown 1 - 44:02
No, I was like you're just simmering in all of this, like hatred and loathing for me.
And I'm just here watching a movie.
And now this is coming at me.
Yeah exactly, and that is so that will ruin relationships.
Over time it just gets so much worse and I just want to be able to openly talk with my partner, the good, the bad, the in between the anything and just talk it out.
Because honestly, most disagreements that I have with someone or if I did something, if I did something to hurt someone but they don't let me know I'm never going to know.
Probably like I'm never going to know that I accidentally did something that caused you to.
Unknown 1 - 44:51
Feel something negative and I would like to know those things so that we can talk it out and then move past it instead of hold it in and resent.
I think one of the greatest things that I learned from a former friend from a former man that I've tolerated and we really just like lost touch, is like you are your own advocate.
So I'm not saying that I'm a perfect human being who will not frustrate you, who will not put you in a situation where you're uncomfortable, but if you don't pump the brakes in that situation and go, hey, I need a harder boundary here, or hey, like we really need to talk about this because I think
we differ on opinions or life views or whatever.
Because I live in a world where anxiety and depression are right at my fingertips, my brain has to go on autopilot where it's like, unless you're giving me feedback, everything is fine.
And I forced myself to live in that mind space because the opposite of that mind space is me going back to being an 8 year old being like who did I upset today?
Unknown 1 - 46:11
Who did I make man?
Why am I terrible?
Let's think about all of the terrible things that I've ever done in my entire life and all of the people who may or may not be upset with me.
So like, give me feedback in the moment or the next day.
Don't simmer in your hatred.
So this I can't stand that it's really I'm.
Again, 28 years old, if I am expected to communicate like an adult.
Unknown 1 - 46:41
Then I want my partner to be able to do it too and I keep I have this little mantra in my head.
I'm not expecting you to be like a perfect person because I'm not a perfect person, but I do expect you to work as hard as I on yourself as I am working on myself.
If you're not working on yourself.
Then I you're you're again it's back to that you're a mile behind me kind of the thing and I can't that's not going to work so.
That's the that's the biggest thing as the communication.
The second thing is that I want to find a person that has their own life.
I can't be the center of someones life.
Unknown 1 - 47:24
I can't be everything.
I now I love.
I definitely when I'm in a relationship.
I love hanging out with that person and I love doing things with that person, but they also have to have their their a job or a goal that they're working towards hobbies that they enjoy.
You know friends, their own set of friends that they hang out with and that they can talk to outside of me being their friend.
And it's I I get people who want to.
Unknown 1 - 47:58
You know that are kind of maybe introverted and stay inside and you know I date.
I've dated gamers my whole life and so I've dated guys that game all day long and that's all they do and I can't.
Do that anymore.
I need someone that has a life and has goals and has and that is working on themselves and doing self care.
And all of these things.
Because if I'm your world I'm going to get sick of you immediately.
I'm going to.
Unknown 1 - 48:27
I don't think there is one person out there in the world that I will not get sick of, right?
And if you're if you're if I'm your only if I'm your whole world then I'm going to get sick of you like immediately all the time when.
I finally got to the point.
Where I realized that.
I had to stop looking for relationships that were going to be my end all be all and like I was everything to you and you were everything to me and we were just like.
In this tornado of need.
I started telling people I'm like.
Unknown 1 - 49:06
Here's the thing.
I really feel like I have a lot of.
Non luck with men.
Because men have been taught that a woman should need and rely on you, and I don't need you, but I want you.
Like I think we need to change our vocabulary of how we talk about relationships.
I don't need you.
I want you and what a positive vocabulary change it's like out of everything in the world that I could have at my fingertips.
Unknown 1 - 49:40
Swiping included on these eight apps I have on my phone.
I want you and I used to use this analogy where it's like.
I don't need you to be the foundation of my house.
I've built my house.
I've got a foundation.
I've got a bedroom.
I got a kitchen, I got a bathroom.
Unknown 1 - 49:59
I got a living room.
I want you to be my sunroom.
I want you to be that fun addition to my house because I did all this work.
I want you to be my game room.
Yes, I want you to be the pool in the backyard.
You get to be the cherry on top of my life Sunday.
That's what I'm looking for.
Unknown 1 - 50:19
That's it right there honestly.
Yeah, and I don't know if I'm ready right now.
Uh, like I said, I want to work on myself and love myself.
But my God, if I find a man that can freaking or if I find a person a partner partner that can communicate and that has their own life, I'm a mount that person and never leave.
I'm claiming my territory.
I'm a get up on it and nobody going to get me off no one.
That's right by mountain, sorry, I'm gonna I'm gonna tie you up in that sunroom.
Unknown 1 - 51:00
You think I'm joking?
I'm gonna grab that person be like you cannot leave.
I found you, you're the Unicorn.
You know they give you Unicorn.
I had a friend tell me on her trip in Kentucky.
I was wearing my Unicorn sweatshirt and he was like Natalie.
Unknown 1 - 51:22
She is the Unicorn.
She's unattainable by mere mortals, and I was like that's ******* right, that's true man, you gotta be.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
No, you gotta be your own higher being.
I've got an inner goddess I tune in to her every day of the week we connect we communicate like I'm gonna I had an idea this morning while I was doing a manifestation meditation about visualizing your future.
And then you write down the ideas you had.
I want to do a children's series about Penelope being my familiar.
Unknown 1 - 51:59
I want to write books about Penelope being my familiar in this magical journey that I'm on.
I love that.
Love that mostly because I'm worried that she's going to die and then she can't ever die because she's in a book.
Do you know that dark?
Well from a dark place came a beautiful notion?
Alright manifestations manifestations.
Unknown 1 - 52:33
Yes so I think my my largest take away and thank you.
Thank you to the last fool.
I was in a relationship to all the fools that I've been in relationships with.
Because without you, I wouldn't be so filled with this awareness of who I am and what I want.
And now I'm finally at this place where settling is not an option.
And I did it because I started writing down after every person who left my Life OK?
What did I like about them?
Unknown 1 - 53:14
Why did I keep them around?
But what do I want in the next one?
Because I truly believe that when you write it down, you make it true like it settles into your body.
And then I read it out loud so the universe can hear me.
And then for my manifestation.
I hope to draw more potential partners to me who are on the same page are on where they are with their emotional intelligence.
Their growth and here healing.
Unknown 1 - 53:49
And their awareness of their identity.
For me, I I think I've been given.
This opportunity to.
To find myself worth and my love for myself.
And no, I want to know truly the that I deserve more and that I deserve someone who.
Unknown 1 - 54:18
Is equal with me and can walk with me through life.
So I hope that I find that I can eventually love myself enough to find someone that.
Will be my partner in life and but but and we can talk and we can communicate well and really thrive together come together and thrive so.
That's what I hope for thriving and vibin thriving and vibrant.
Y'all, because it can happen.
I think we have so many people I know that I am truly filled with so many people like you.
And all of the other people in my life where it's like you're not the reason I thrive but you help me thrive, right?
Unknown 1 - 55:12
Like you're all part of the garden.
Right like you're tending your garden, but flowers like pop up girl and I'm telling you I'm so proud of you for like being like Nah I gotta love myself because no one tells you that that's the mindset you have to start with.
Before you enter friendships before you enter relationships before you have kids, you have to start so.
My biggest take.
Another take away that I hope everyone walks away with from this episode is like 10. Your garden tend your soul garden.
Unknown 1 - 55:51
Or like use any imagery?
Is it a kitten?
Feed your soul kitten right?
You don't need a gardener to do for you yourself.
You're the gardener.
Yes, be the gardener, tap into your inner goddess.
Yes, don't be emotionally unavailable.
Unknown 1 - 56:11
Right, I had an ex asked me what goddess are you referring to and I said all of them because they all live within me.
I love that plugs.
Yes, I've been doing a really bad job and it's like podcasting 101, but I have not been asking the tolerate ORS to like and subscribe to our podcast because my **** *** subscribes to every podcast that I'm going to try out because I don't know how else to get the episodes to bank too.
Is that what you're supposed to do?
I do that?
No, some people choose.
Unknown 1 - 56:58
Some people pick and choose what they describe, subscribe to.
So please like and subscribe on any and every platform that you're listening to us all and leave us a five star review.
I'm manifesting those five star reviews and a comment about what you're enjoying and I want to start highlighting great reviews during the plugs or in the intro.
Bonus I wanna shout out all of those people.
All of those partners in the podcast who are wishing us well, because the more positivity in my universe, the better.
Our Instagram is at men.
I've tolerated pod.
Unknown 1 - 57:45
And they're going to be some fun polls coming up.
There are going to be some audience moments we want to hear your stories.
I hope we got a flood of Dina as a troll priestess.
They had art, you're obsessed, ma'am.
I love fan art.
Unknown 1 - 58:10
I feel like it's the greatest.
I feel like it's the greatest form of expression and the greatest form like what a gift to be like.
You know what I can do, draw and then you draw us because we inspired you.
Honestly, people taking the time to because that takes time that's surprising is like you have to sit down and like create a thing and that's wow.
That's really beautiful.
Honestly, it's a beautiful right, it's beautiful.
And then you can follow me at Natalie Kay 124, remember that?
Unknown 1 - 58:48
Just because I don't know how to.
Market it yet doesn't mean that I won't read your tarot.
I have a price structure in my head so if you really just want a check in with me and you want some help figuring out your next step or a question that just won't let you be and you need an outside source like let me tap into my power to help you out.
Just send me a DM and we'll work something out, but that's an idea that's percolating.
And then we have an e-mail.
I said with a Gmail so cute.
e-mail those questions about your relationships or anything that you've heard us talk about.
Unknown 1 - 59:33
And you think that we would give some special insight or advice on at men I've tolerated before.
I've has no punctuation.
So it's the word men, and then I BE the word email@example.com.
We will pick some questions that I refused to claim that I'm an expert in anything.
Please remember, yeah, if you are expecting like professional advice, that's not.
That's not us, but if you need a laugh or you just need like I've reached out to people on Facebook through different fan.
Pages just to be like.
Unknown 1 - 01:00:17
I just need someone who doesn't know me and my patterns to tell me I'm in a bad situation, right?
If you want your our opinions or if you just want to Share your story too, it doesn't even have to be a question.
And if you just want to share your stories about one of the topics, please send them our way.
I'd love to read stuff like that so.
All right, your plugs.
Yeah, so my Instagram is Miss Kaboose.
Ms Period Kaboose a BOE.